Jessie Bluejay

So, the porn industry has noticed a significant increase in sales since the economic stimulus checks started going out. Big surprise. Thanks GW, for ensuring the economic growth of the porn industry. I had been planning on spending my stimulus check in Mexico to subvert Bush’s retarded plan, but I think I like this idea better.

Maybe I’ll buy a ridiculously expensive sex toy. Unfortunately, my stimulus check won’t even come close to paying for this gold-plated, diamond-encrusted vibrator:

It’s valued at $2,750! I may have to settle for the $325 one, sans diamonds. I’m not sure I want anything that can cut glass anywhere in that area anyway.

There are other more philanthropic options too. I could buy several thousand condoms and pass them out at a middle school. Or buy an abortion for someone. That would be nice. And then I could write it off as a charitable donation!

I was feeling nostalgic for early 90s music this weekend for some reason. This was an era when people would ask me what kind of music I was into and I would reply, without irony, “alternative.” Mix tape staples included Morrissey, the Pixies, Matthew Sweet, Suede, the Judybats, the Stone Roses, Tom Waits, and the Velvet Underground. I was so frickin’ alternative, man! Here are 5 songs that made it onto just about every mix tape I made:

1. “Crash” by the Primitives
2. “Alice Everyday” by Book of Love
3. “Not Too Soon” by the Throwing Muses
4. “My Umbrella” by Tripping Daisy
5. “I Want It All” by Eve’s Plum

Those last two were bands that I saw at Cicero’s in St. Louis. I used to waitress in the restaurant part and I saw many awesome shows in their moldy old basement. The ceiling was only like six feet high and water dripped from the exposed pipes, but they used to have the best shows in St Louis.

Jean Paul Gaultier aimed to subvert the gilded cage concept with his immensely creative Fall 2008 Couture collection. The models may have been wearing cages, but according to Gaultier, “It’s the ultimate stage in women’s liberation.” Come again? “Women feel so free nowadays that they are wearing cages again.” Oh. Huh? Well, whatever. The resulting show elicited one gorgeous contradiction after another:

The mermaidy dress on the model in the center looks hard and shell-like, but promises soft curves. And I love the skeletal, fur-trimmed wings on the other two. They appear to imprison the models but simultaneously suggest the possibility of flight. Gaultier explains: “My models are birds of paradise. They can remove the cages and fly.” Such drama! You just know that statement was accompanied by some theatrical hand gesturing.

Here are two more variations on the theme:

While one model wears her cage as a veil strapped to her head, the other wears hers as a dress.

Now, before you go accusing him of misogyny, Gaultier wants you to know: “I have no intention to seriously put women in cages.” Um, that’s good to hear. I’ll sleep a lot easier knowing that Jean Paul Gaultier isn’t planning to capture me and put me in a cage.

If you have time to kill, you should definitely check out the rest of the show.

I get the Super Mario inspired cakes, but this just looks gross:

Would you eat this for an extra life?

It reminds me of when I lived in a co-op and someone thought it would be really cute to make “green eggs and ham.” It wasn’t cute; it was extremely unappetizing.

Designer John Galliano gave Ronald McDonald a way overdue makeover for his Spring/Summer 2009 collection:

Beware: Carrot Top clones are on the march.

It doesn’t get much unsexier than this.

Recently I was at a bowling alley and noticed a peculiar vending machine covered in christian imagery. It claimed to provide “Hope and Inspiration” in a plastic capsule for just 50 cents! Now, I would think that if you’re looking for hope and inspiration in a bowling alley, you’ve got problems that may be too big for a mere vending machine, but what the hell do I know? Maybe a plastic Bible pencil sharpener is exactly what your pathetic ass needs to pull your life back together.

Or maybe you could use some Santos?

Coming Soon to a Vending Machine Near You!

Are your homies in need of spiritual guidance? Perhaps los Santos can help.

I anxiously await the day that I can buy a package of sour cream and onion communion chips and a can of carbonated christ blood (with guarana and taurine of course) from a vending machine.

So, Noah and I got our Schwinn Loops and we’re very happy with them. They’re fun to ride, easy to fold and unfold, and a lot sturdier than you’d expect from a folding bike. But the best thing about them is how ridiculously cute they are.

People are always commenting on them. When we bike down the street, children gather and point and whisper. Occasionally a brave one will yell out, “Those bikes are AWESOME!” And they are.

Now I just need to install a pedal-powered bubble machine:

Then all the kids in the neighborhood will make me their queen! And I will rule them with an iron fist!

Note: I would advise against ordering the Loop from Outlet Trail. It took almost six weeks to get them delivered despite a promise of 24-48 hours.

What the hell is going on here?

Does anyone else find this giant Eddie Murphy head to be a little creepy? And why can’t I stop staring into Eddie Murphy’s giant empty eyes? And why is it traveling? Where the hell is it going? Is it on its way to meet a giant Eddie Murphy body? Once the head has its body, is giant Eddie Murphy going to crush us all?

Apparently, this is all part of a marketing campaign for his new movie. The giant head will be touring the US, allowing visitors to enter it through the ear. I would really like to see a picture of a line of people entering Eddie Murphy’s head through his ear. The campaign’s kinda like a cross between a crazy roadside attraction and Being John Malkovich. On wheels. Too bad the movie probably won’t be anywhere near as interesting or strange as the publicity stunt.