The Stupid World of Dolphin Energy Healing
Forget grad school. I have a new career goal: I am going to become a Certified Dolphin Energy Practitioner. At the Dolphin Healing HeArts School, I can dive right into the "pod experience" and merge my human consciousness with my dolphin consciousness, or some crazy shit like that. I think it's like a Vulcan mind meld. At any rate, once I get through the rigorous program, I'll be able to transmit Dolphin Energy and frickin' heal people with the awesome power of Dolphin Consciousness. Dolphin Energy Healing is so much cooler than Angel Therapy! Here's what I've learned about dolphins already:
Dolphins are master healers and keepers of the light upon Planet Earth. They are highly evolved omni-dimensional beings who live in the Oneness. Their role is similar to that of the angelic kingdom. They are here to watch over us, to help us and support us, and to guide us on our remembrance to radiant wholeness.
Omni-dimensional? So once I become one with the dolphins I'll be able to travel through different dimensions? Awesome! Linda Shay, the founder of this prestigious academy, writes about the first time she was taken by the dolphins into a "parallel reality" and a "higher dimension." Everything around her disappeared and she swam alone with the pod, as one. She realized afterwards that the dolphins had actually stopped time.
So, dolphins are capable of manipulating time and space! Can you believe some people eat them? I'm going to use my dolphin gifts to help humanity. I will ride a dolphin into the past and kill Hitler!
Aside from saving the lives of millions of Jews from history, as a Dolphin Energy Healer I'll be able to help so many people in the present! I'll also be able to make a living while I'm doing it. Many clients have written to Linda to thank her for all the healing dolphin energy she's given charged them $85/session for. Mark from PA writes:
Hi Linda, I know I just got off the phone with you, but I just had to let you know that the dolphin sound that you communicated sent a dolphin right into my tan tien, the energy area slightly below the navel. As the sound came I inwardly saw a dolphin swiftly flowing from my crown chakra down through the center of my being and strongly into the tan tien. I still feel the vibration!
So people pay this woman to make dolphin noises over the phone? I have got to learn how to speak Dolphin! I can't wait for classes to start.
2007-08-28 11:08:02 UTC