I Hate Halloween!
Doesn't this seem like a nice bunch of boys? What an adorable costume idea! Wouldn't it have been even better if they had gotten one of their female African American friends (because I'm sure they have so many to choose from) to dress as the alleged rape victim? Then they could have mock-sodomized a real live black girl all night long. I'm sure she would have loved that! Now, the Duke story is full of discrepancies and they haven't been convicted yet (at least by a court), but none of that is relevant here. These assholes are clearly celebrating the idea of gang-raping a black woman. (According to the Isthmus, the guys were yelling out, "Yeah, Rape!") It's funny and sexy to them and that's why I hate Halloween on State Street. It's always the same depressing scene: a horrible combination of sexual frustration, violence, and anger. I wonder how many people laughed at their costume or how many women were called "uptight" for finding it offensive. Each of these guys deserve a kick in the balls. The Valerie Solanas in me is ready to rise to the occasion. You too, Beetlejuice. Just for lookin' at me.
2006-10-31 11:31:55 UTC
RIP Parsnip
We found little Parsnip dead a few days ago. We have ruled out murder as a cause of death but there won't be an autopsy so we'll never really know why he died. Goodbye, Parsnip. You were only with us for a short while and it was obvious you weren't happy. You never sang and you'd just sit in the corner all puffed up. You seemed tired all the time. Basically, you won't be missed to terribly by anyone. But that's only because we didn't get to know you before you were sick! I know you would have been one hell of a bird! But I'm pretty sure you were already dying when we bought you. God, I hate pet stores. You hung on for three weeks and the guarantee only lasted for seven days. Couldn't you have kicked it two weeks sooner? Was the extra two weeks of agony really worth it? Needless to say we'll never be buying pets at Pet World Warehouse Outlet again. With a name like that we probably never should have in the first place. Warehouse? For me, that word calls up mental pictures of endless boxes of stock stacked together in a dusty, windowless environment. Is that really the image you want to convey when your stock happens to be companion animals? I'm envisioning hamsters packed in crates filled with styrofoam peanuts. And "outlet" is even worse. Doesn't that imply faulty, damaged, or irregular merchandise? I imagine some guy with a name preceded by the adjective "Crazy," let's say Crazy Eddie, shouting maniacally from the television:
"Come on down! We just got in a shipment of puppies with distemper and they're going fast! Er, going to good homes, that is... Only $39.99 each! I'm so crazy! And make sure you stop in to take advantage of our great deals on three-legged cats! I'm so crazy I'm going to give you 25% off! It's only fair; they're missing 25% of their limbs! And you definitely won't wanna miss this Saturday's Fire Sale! You'll find barely singed ferrets and much much more! Tell 'em Crazy Eddie sent ya!"
So is it really a wonder that you died so young, fair Parsnip? Poor Parsnip. It's so hard to find a pet store that actually cares about the animals beyond their resale value. Noah and I hope to find a new Gouldian finch companion for Turnip through a breeder. I'm sure breeders can be just as guilty of treating pets like any other commodity, but it's gotta be less likely. I mean, big businesses can only treat living things like commodities because the individual human worker is obliterated. Anyway, rest in peace Parsnip!
2006-10-31 10:51:43 UTC
The Candy Wars
Who are the contenders in this Great Candy Battle? In one corner we have Twee & Luliloo, the newish candy shop on State Street. In the other corner, we have The Candy Box, another recent addition on Winnebago. Let the battle begin!
As I was waiting for a bus downtown one day, my sweet tooth persuaded me to wander into Twee & Luliloo, despite my initial repulsion at its cloyingly cute name. According to World Wide Words, the word twee "appeared at the beginning of the twentieth century to mean something dainty or sweet, a girly and gushing word. It appears to have developed from tweet, not the noise a bird makes, but a childish attempt at saying sweet." It eventually came to mean sickeningly sweet. That might actually be a clever name for a candy shop if the owners had a sense of irony. Alas... And I have no idea where the hell they got "Luliloo." Anyway, the place seemed terribly snobby but I wanted to have some special chocolates. I knew it was gonna be pricey but I didn't want very much, just some samples. The prices are listed by the pound and they don't have scales out so it was hard to know how much I was spending. (Gee, you think that might be intentional?) I chose some malted milk balls and mint chocolate almonds. Maybe like a big handful of each. The total? Seven dollars and fifty frickin' cents! I should have just said "I'm sorry, that's retarded" but I just paid and left, feeling like an idiot for spending $7.50 on a pocketful of chocolates. I can't believe I didn't laugh in the shop girl's face for having the audacity to charge so much. That would have felt far better than the weak-ass sugar high I got from a few measly chocolates. I would have floated right out of there on a cloud of righteousness, high on the knowledge that I told those snobs where to stick there fancy-ass maltballs! I'll go buy me some Whoppers and eat 'em in the bus shelter with my plebeian brothers and sisters, man! Unfortunately, that's not what happened. I think I didn't want to seem "poor" or "cheap" to the frickin' candy lady. I can't think of any other explanation. And that really pisses me off because 1) it's so profoundly illogical and 2) I'm embarrassed that I acted out of class shame. I didn't want to seem poor so I wasted a bunch of money. That doesn't make any sense! I could have bought like 15 Snicker bars for that price! I can feel the class warrior rising in me even now! So I dislike Twee & Luliloo for many valid reasons but my blistering desire to see them crash and burn is so personal.
Our next contender is The Candy Box, a much more comfortable shop. It's small and cozy and the owner is super-friendly and passionate about candy and pastries. I'd been there a few times before because I used to live in the neighborhood. Noah and I bought a bunch of candy there for some friends as a wedding gift. We filled a basket with all kinds of fun treats and candies from days of yore: chocolate cigarettes, spicy Mexican candies like Baby Lucas, a licorice pipe, Pop Rocks, etc. That's the nice thing about The Candy Box. They have it all: the fancy-pants chocolates from Europe, the classic candies that people are nostalgic for (examples), and stuff that's just plain weird.
The big ones are about the size of a softball! Why?!
Marcie, the owner, explained to me that she was waiting on a particularly interesting shipment that would include chocolate-covered ants, worms, and scorpions and, oh christ, some kind of worm-skin "treats." That's right: the words "worm-skin" and "treat," together at last! Apparently this company fries the skin of worms and then shakes the crumbled up bits in various flavored powders, including Cheese and BBQ. Oh my god, why?! I love this place! (Here's a bunch of insect and worm candies). Marcie also told me that in the near future she's hoping to offer fresh pastries for a late-night crowd. She bemoans Madison's lack of good pastries. Always up for a bitch session, I agreed and whined about how all of Madison's coffee shops have the same mediocre scones, muffins, and whatnot because they get them from the same two or three mediocre companies. Marcie then confided her consternation with the fact that though Wisconsin is swimming in black walnuts, hazelnuts, and hickory nuts, none of them are featured in the local pastries. Her indignation was infectious and I found myself angry about a lack of access to nuts I'd never even heard of. So that was fun. The Candy Box is all charm. It kicks Twee & Luliloo's ass. Victor: The Candy Box. Note to Twee & Luliloo: I hope you go out of business.
2006-10-27 12:52:54 UTC
Abort-a-Doll
So in continuing with both the doll theme and the abortion theme, I present to you: Fetus Dolls. You can purchase a darling embryonic or fetal replica at God's Little Ones. According to their website, these "models" are scientifically accurate. Here's a scrumptious little eight week old:
Notice the scientific details, like the adorable knit cap and sweater set. Also, as pictured, eight week old embryos generally sit in thimbles to emphasize their irresistible teeniness. Compare this to the eight week old embryo from Gray's Anatomy:
Ew. This things isn't cute at all. I'd venture to say that it looks rather evil. Notice how he's rubbing his partially-developed fingers together in a manner reminiscent of Mr. Burns. Where is his cuddly outfit and thimble? I don't think I'd have as many qualms about aborting this little gremlin. In fact, I think if pregnant women were shown this particular picture, there would be a massive increase in abortions. Do you think the "artists" over at God's Little Ones might have an agenda of some kind? Here's another one of their dolls:
Oh, what a sweet little fetus! He's sitting in a cup! Couldn't you just eat him up (rather than abort him)? These pictures remind me of those calendars with pictures of kittens and puppies. They always have pictures of the baby animals sitting in cups or baskets and/or wearing little hats. These accessories are scientifically proven to make things cuter. It's basic cute-ology. Here's the picture for the month of July:
Happy Fourth of July everyone! Join the whole fetus gang in celebrating the birth of this great country. They'd be singing the national anthem if their lungs were developed and they were capable of speech! How could you abort something that loves America?
2006-10-24 13:46:12 UTC
Some New Captions
These go with the sea-of-Ken-dolls photo. Here it is in its full glory, along with some other fantastic group shots. To the captions!
Two Minds One World Don: It's Mark Foley's toybox!
Me: You mean, Mark Foley's dream staff. He likes to imagine them all bending over at the same time to pick up a pencil he's dropped.
Noah: It's the annual meeting of the Dan Quayle Fan Club.
Noah: Welcome to the Promise Keepers!
2006-10-21 08:34:34 UTC