The Union Suit
I love union suits. I love running around the house in a onesie with a butt-flap. If I need to go to the video store or to the candy and cigarette store, I can just throw on some jeans. The union suit is the epitome of minimalist fashion. The problem is that I don't have one. Noah does and I'm always borrowing it, but I want my own. They're easy enough to find but they only come in red and white. Why? I looked all over and the only variation on the theme I could find was, gulp, tie-dyed. Ew. Look at this dipshit in her tie-dyed union suit. Don't you wanna punch her? I guess I'm feeling violent today but for some reason tie-dye sends me into a blind rage. I really can't think of a more offensive pattern. I'd rather wear a union suit covered in swastikas. Or pictures of dog turds.
Of course, nothing but laziness is stopping me from buying a cheap white one and dyeing it. But why don't they make them in all sorts of colors, stripes, and polka dots? It might have something to do with their military association. They seem to only be available at army surplus stores. I guess a soldier in a pink and yellow union suit would be violating the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. But it seems to me that any soldier wearing an outfit that allows easy access to the butt might be taking a risk. Or maybe they're red because they're "union." Maybe it's a communist thing. I don't know, but I want a green one, damn it. Why the hell is this full grown man playing basketball with a little boy while they're in nothing but union suits? I hope this isn't a NAMBLA image...2005-11-30 20:13:15 UTC
A Diatribe
Once when I was working at the sandwich shop I ran into one of my former students (from Shabazz when I was student teaching). She was on her way into the store and I was on my way out to make a delivery. She was surprised to see me; she had assumed I was a teacher. She didn't realize that I had been teaching at her school as part of my certification process and that not only did I not work at her school, but I had to pay for the privilege of teaching her. I hated that I felt embarrassed. Why should I feel embarrassed about my job? The other night a teacher that I worked with came into the store for a sandwich. She asked me how subbing was going. I told her that it sucked, that I wasn't getting any jobs, and that I hated it anyway. (Every night I'm confronted with the same feeling of wanting to get called yet dreading it). She gave me a sympathetic look and then said, "You deserve a real job." A real job. What makes a food service job unreal? Is it that a food service worker isn't performing a valuable service or producing a useful commodity (one that won't be squirted into a toilet after a couple of hours)? Her job is presumably "real" because she's doing something "valuable," something that supposedly provides fulfillment. She teaches music at an elementary school. My knee-jerk response is, "And teaching ten-year olds to sing 'Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme' is a real job? You must be too filled with pride to have any room for a sandwich, let alone those doritos." What makes one job real and another one fake? The thing that really made me want to punch her in the face though was the fact that she said it in front of my boss. He's been in food service his whole life and he's not going anywhere. Who the hell is she to tell him his job isn't real? It's supporting his kids and buying his art supplies so he can do something "fulfilling." Teachers can afford to be self-righteous because they can't afford much else. They don't get paid much more than secretaries, waiters, or other useless people, yet they've chosen to dedicate their lives to nurturing the minds of our youth. They masturbate to Whitney Houston's classic lyrics, "I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way." That's it, you deserve that orgasm! Is it just me or does it seem steeped in christian bullshit?2005-11-30 19:47:26 UTC
Be the Bling
I've recently been in contact with a LifeGem Specialist. Unfamiliar? LifeGem is the company that can turn your dead loved one into a beautiful diamond. I've heard that diamonds are forever (though I'm not sure I should blindly believe an ad campaign. The last time I did that I ended up thinking that pork actually was the other white meat). Since humans most definitely are not anywhere near forever, the LifeGem's got a nice immortal ring to it. I spent some time at their website to find out more about this exciting new death option. I learned about the process: the carbon-y human charcoal is placed into the diamond-making machine and then pressed until it transitions from nasty pile of corpse to sparkly jewel! The ultimate makeover! I also learned that if you purchase more than one LifeGem that the cost per diamond goes down. This just led to more questions so I contacted customer service:
Hello, I am interested in the concept of the LifeGem. The idea of converting the remains of a loved one into a beautiful jewel that lasts forever is so comforting. I do however have a question: how much of the actual remains are required for each gem? Are there leftovers if you buy only one small gem? How many gems can one get from the average-sized person? Thank you, Jess
The LifeGem Specialist got back to me promptly after the holiday weekend and provided this answer:
Thank you for your interest in LifeGem diamonds. Typically, we ask for 8 ounces (about 1 cup) of the cremated remains. From that amount, we can create, on average, 10 LifeGem diamonds. The size of the LifeGem diamond depends on the length of time the carbon is in the diamond press, not on how much carbon is used...
I still had some questions. To find out exactly how many diamonds I'm capable of becoming, I need to know how many cups of remains my cremation will yield. And just how big of a diamond can be made? Can I be turned into the biggest diamond in the world? So I had to write back:
I am still curious about something though. If you need 8 ounces, what portion is that of the (average) total amount of cremated remains? Also, can the diamonds be placed in other settings, like necklaces or tiaras? Thank you again and I look forward to receiving the pamphlet...
I was figuring that if 1 cup = 10 diamonds, a human could very well fill a lovely mourning tiara. It could be the newest trend in funereal fashions. How well one was loved in life can be measured by how many carats they become in death. The Specialist replied:
The 8 ounces is approximately one-tenth of the total amount of cremated remains for an average adult. We have a very large selection of settings to choose from (the price varies depending on what setting you would select). We work with a very reputable setting supplier and you can view their catalog...
That means that the average human can yield up to 100 diamonds! And then you're not left with any disgusting remains. I have a great idea for a LifeGem commercial. A young woman in a sexy black dress is showing off her ring to several of her female friends, engagement-style. They're all gushing over its size and beauty. One of them says, "We're so totally sorry for your loss." The "bride" replies, "What loss?" with a wink.
I've included this picture of Gwen in her LifeGem necklace. All of the Harajuku Girls that Gwen goes through end up in this gorgeous necklace. I could only dream of ending up in such an exquisite resting place, nestled right between Gwen's glorious breasts forever!
2005-11-28 14:09:12 UTC
Thanksgiving at Denny's
So today’s the day we bow our heads and thank the American Indian for all the nice land he gave us. That was so nice of you! Thanks so much for all the super land! I like totally respect your people and how you’re all like bonded with the earth and animals and stuff! It’d be so rad to have a spirit guide! You’re so lucky. I’d pick an otter or maybe a capybara. Anyway, enough
about the frickin’ Indians! How much thanks do they need? To celebrate this great occasion, Noah and I had a lovely Thanksgiving meal at Denny’s. We put on our little pilgrim outfits and asked for two turkey platters, preferably with the drumsticks of Yam and Marshmallow, those draft dodgin’ bastards. And Marshmallow even gets to lead a parade! Let’s hope he does a better job than the incompetent grand marshal of the Macy’s Day Parade who allowed the M&M balloons to wreak havoc. Those things are a menace. Anyway, the turkey at Denny’s in no way resembles actual turkeys of course. It comes in ball-form and you just have to slice it up. It’s about the size of a basketball but a lot heavier. I wouldn’t recommend trying to play basketball with it. So the Chef at Denny’s cuts off a few slices of compounded turkey parts, dips a scooper into the just-add-water mashed potatoes, strains a serving of canned beans, and then slathers the whole thing in a gravy that came from a powder that came from god-knows-what. And there you have it. So obviously we really didn’t have the turkey platters. We went with burgers, fries, and coffees. But I did wear my cool buckle hat and chastity belt (it seemed pilgrim-y). And I would totally eat Marshmallow if I could get my hands on him. 35 pounds of stupid-ass coddled turkey. Stupid-ass, coddled, succulent turkey. He’s probably got bodyguards. God, I hate PETA. How can anyone think that money spent on pampering turkeys is money well spent? Happy Thanksgiving to everyone but PETA! 2005-11-24 21:53:56 UTC
Meet the Biker Fox
While in the process of planning a Glamour Shots party, I found this hot hunk of man known as Biker Fox. Ladies and fruity-friends, enjoy the view. (And by the way, there's nothing insulting about being called fruity so shut up! Fruit's totally awesome). He's like Skinner from X-Files with sexier hair. If you click on the Biker Fox, you'll be treated to his gallery of glamour shots. There are at least a couple dozen. Find your favorite! Mine might be the one where his tasty buns are on display. The one shown here is the most obviously sexy. Glamour Shots, however, is of course known for its subtlety and manages to capture Biker Fox's everyday eroticism in some of the other shots. I also exhort you to check out some of his video clips. I never understood couples who agreed to allow each other affairs with their chosen celebrities. Most celebrities turn me off (like with their too-white teeth and weird tans). But now I get it. My love for Noah would not be affected. Oh, here's his main page.2005-11-24 01:14:41 UTC