It's a Yo! MTV Raps Morning
I've been watching old rap and hip hop videos on You Tube since like 7 this morning. I just woke up with the craving! Here's five videos that, if you're like me, will take you right back to that magical time when you were a young white girl discovering the joys of nonthreatening rap. Though it was aggressive (read: black) enough to scare my parents a little bit, I liked the rappers that were Rated PG but flirted with PG-13. Without further ado:
5. LL Cool J- "I Need Love." This video is so packed with ego it's hilarious. I think my favorite part is when the lead female character is crushed because her dad tears her LL Cool J poster off her bedroom wall. I wrote all the words to this song down so I could memorize the whole thing. I did the same thing with "Ice, Ice Baby" and I can still recite the lyrics from memory. Seriously, ask me. 4. Monie Love- "Monie in the Middle." Monie Love is awesome. This was back when female rappers could express strength and independence without having to wear super-skanky clothing to balance the gender scale. And the dancing in this is great! I love the dancing in all these old rap videos. Everyone gets in formation and gets into the synchronized groove. 3. Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock- "It Takes Two." This is just a classic that I've been aching to hear for months. I used to love to sing the "I like the Whopper, f--- the Big Mac!" line. I was such a bad-ass. 2. Salt 'n Pepa- "Shake Your Thang." (Damn! This was pulled from youtube.) In this video Salt 'n Pepa get arrested for shaking their thangs. Salt 'n Pepa are fantastic. I love that their sexiness is about feeling sexy and not being sexy for onlookers. This video has more awesome dancing and fashions. 1. Kid 'n Play- "Battle Scene from House Party." This was one of my favorite movies and this scene of the rap battle between Kid and Play was awesome. I remember wishing that I would get invited to a party like that. This was the first "black" movie I ever went to see and the theater was totally packed. It was probably the first time I was the minority. * Bonus * Slick Rick- "I Shouldn't Have Done It." This is great but I really want to hear "La Di Da Di."
2006-12-31 09:28:39 UTC
Cute Little Mutants
These strange looking pups are very likely products of incest, according to a recent article in the New York Times. The one in the middle is the one that really creeps me out. It's so unnatural looking. Notice how its head appears to be more than half as long as its entire body. I would think it might develop some neck problems. A sore neck is nothing compared to some of the other frightening mutations that have surfaced in Japan. According to the article, Japan is currently experiencing a huge increase in demand for really cute and unique puppies. Due to a lack of regulation, this has led to rampant inbreeding and the subsequent defects, some cute successes and many more accidental horrors. "There have been dogs with brain disorders so severe that they spent all day running in circles, and others with bones so frail they dissolved in their bodies." Jesus Christ! The reason why the animals are inbred is because it's the quick and lazy way of bringing out the recessive traits that the public wants. For example, a pet store owner who started running a hospice to care for defective dogs spoke of a half-white dachshund named Keika (I'm guessing she's the dog on the right). She also happens to be deaf and her eyes wander, but her breeder was charging $7500 for her because of her rare coloring. The other four puppies in her litter were killed because they were so deformed. That's what happens when you breed a dog with its daughter, then its granddaughter, then its great granddaughter. Thankfully, and not surprisingly, it seems that the government is taking the first steps toward regulating the industry. Government never anticpates; it always reacts.
While the article is interesting and seems factually accurate, the author (Martin Fackler) reports the Japanese in the usual annoying way: he describes them as conformists obsessed with "social status symbols" (like rare dogs), as if that separates them from us Americans. It's the typical "those crazy Japanese" angle. I'm not saying the Japanese aren't crazy. All I'm suggesting is that we might be just as crazy. What about Pugs, man? Pugs are hugely popular right now and people (actual Americans) think it's cute that they can't frickin' breathe properly. "Isn't it adorable how that dog is sniffling and snorting?" Pugs are considered cute not in spite of their respiratory deformity, but because of it. And is the Japanese obsession with cute puppies that much different than ours? Wasn't it maybe even in part inspired by ours? The author wants to characterize the Japanese as so obsessed that they're blind to the suffering of the animals. He found this quote to support his argument: "[Japanese] people forget that dogs aren’t just status symbols. They are living things." Aren't we the ones known for using dogs as accessories? Is it a coincidence that Paris Hilton was spotted in one of Tokyo's "brutal" pet shops oohing and aahing over the cute little mutants?
2006-12-30 14:33:26 UTC
New and (Slightly) Improved Bird Chart
Here it is. Notice which birds are expecting babies. We will soon have baby Zebras and baby Societies. We still haven't exactly figured out what we're going to do with all the babies. Anybody out there want some birdies?
2006-12-30 10:38:01 UTC
The Stupid World of Angel Therapy
A coworker just told me yesterday that when buying gifts for people you can never go wrong with gift certificates. I begged to differ. Noah and I received a gift certificate for 45 minutes with a frickin' psychic. Oh but she's not just a psychic: "She is a Reiki Master, Shamanic Healer and has studied as a Certified Angel Therapist with Doreen Virtue. Teresa is also an Energy Language Translator who decoded the Keys of Enoch & can decipher almost anything. She is Clairvoyant, Clairsentient, Clasentient, Clairaudient & a Seer who just knows." Interested? Then I'm afraid you're stupid. (But let me direct your dumb ass to our ad on craigslist). Many derisive and mocking questions popped into my head after reading that description but by far the most pressing one was: what the hell is an angel therapist? Is it someone who provides therapy for angels or someone who is an angel herself and is also a therapist? And how does one get "certified" to become one? Where do cherubs fit into the whole thing? Are angels like this one in need of therapy? (Click on the picture for lots more comics):
I had to find out the answers to these questions. It turns out a woman named Doreen Virtue (name-dropped in the psychic's brochure) is the only one to go to if you want to begin a career in angel therapy. It's plain from her website that she's a great businesswoman and bullshit artist extraordinaire. I mean, she's taken people's incredibly moronic and zealous belief in angels and turned it into a money-making machine. She perfectly illustrates one of the fundamentals in the business world: there's a lot of money to be made off of stupidity. But let's move on to the most important question: what is this "angel therapy"? According to Doreen it's a "non-denominational spiritual healing method that involves working with a person's guardian angels and archangels, to heal and harmonize every aspect of life." OK, so I guess an angel therapist helps you get in touch with your guardian angel. But how does one learn to communicate with people's angels and guide others to learn from their own? That's the beautiful part. The truly devious thing about Doreen is that she's bullshitting people into paying her a buttload of money to learn the art of bullshitting without realizing that they've been bullshitted or that they're learning how to bullshit others. I think. It's kinda confusing. She charges people $1,777 in "tuition" fees to attend her (trademarked, of course) Angel Therapy Practitioner Certification Course. Sign up now because, sadly, these "classes" fill up fast. Before you do though, you should know that one of the prerequisites is a "strong sense that you are divinely guided to take the class." Oh, and a very low IQ. If you need proof, or if you're bored, check out the message board.
2006-12-29 11:26:21 UTC
Creepy Wizard of Oz Trivia
The BBC recently reported that the Cowardly Lion's costume in The Wizard of Oz was sold at auction for $700,000. Who gives a shit, right? Well, the article also happens to mention that the Cowardly Lion costume was made from actual lion pelts. What? Um, why? It's not like he really looked that much like a lion. I mean, that guy wasn't fooling anybody. Nobody actually mistook him for a lion, did they? "Oh my God! There's a lion on the set! Run for your lives! Oh, wait. False alarm. Sorry everyone, it's just Bert in his Cowardly Lion costume. Damn, that's a convincing costume!" Doubtful. So it couldn't have been for the sake of realism. Why the hell would they use actual lion pelts? It's just weird.
2006-12-28 19:31:29 UTC