Please Kill It
Dear God, what is that thing? (to quote The Princess Bride). I hate this thing with every fiber of my being. Looking at it or even thinking about it gives me chills. This thing is so strange (read: evil) that scientists created an entirely new taxonomic class for it: kiwa hirsuta. It was discovered over 7000 feet deep in the South Pacific frolicking horribly in one of the most hostile environments on earth. It hangs out (and plots its evil deeds) near deep sea vents that release hot water filled with toxins that until now were thought to repel all life (see Inkycircus). These things live where nothing is supposed to live. Is that why they are so disturbing? Not even remotely. That's just a conveniently frightening setting. They are crustaceans with silky blond hair. Just typing those words makes me want to scream in terror. I have always hated non-mammals that imitate mammals. Caterpillars and bumblebees have always freaked me out because they have fur (or something like fur). Fur is inviting and pleasant to touch. I like to pet my cats and I love soft cuddly bunnies. Who doesn't? The thought of happily petting a fuzzy creature and then looking into its hideous insect (and decidely non-mammalian) face is the heart of nightmare. It's just not right. Insects should not have fur and crustaceans should not have luxurious blond locks! Imagine running your fingers through its silken golden tresses, luxuriating in their softness. Now look deep into its blind shellfish eyes. If I ever see one of these I will stomp on it. Read more at the BBC. If I weren't so horrified I'd suggest that we harvest them, shave them, and use their lovely locks to make wigs.
2006-04-22 13:26:26 UTC
If You See This Guy, Kick Him in the Groin
Piece of advice: if a stranger walks up to your door and tells you he's a doctor offering breast exams free of charge, by no means should you let him into your home. Further, and this is really important here, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT let him touch your boobs. You know, I wouldn't think that anyone would need to be told that but apparently the pictured freak managed to "examine" at least two horribly stupid women before getting caught. One of them let this guy give her a frickin' vaginal exam! She only grew suspicious when she realized he wasn't wearing rubber gloves. Can you believe the balls on this lunatic? He actually executed the "free breast exam" scam imagined by every high school boy ever. See the story here. Do you think he knew it was Sexual Assault Awareness Month? Probably not. Do you think sexual assaults go down during Sexual Assault Awareness Month? Does wearing another frickin' ribbon prevent rape? It may not, but I know one thing that helps: not letting strange men offering to feel you up for free into your house.
2006-04-21 16:07:27 UTC
Finally, My Own Miniature Traffic Cone
Have you seen these dumbass things yet? I saw a display at the grocery store yesterday. They're called "Collector Cones" and there are over 1000 different stupid ass cones to collect! Phrases that have until now only graced keychains, trucker hats, and lighters are finally available on miniature (~3") traffic cones. They include such clever, snappy slogans as "Got God?" and "Girls Rule!" They range from the oh-so-witty "Hollow Chocolate Has No Calories" to the inspirational "The First Purpose of Prayer is to Know God." Feeling grumpy? Tell the world to "Talk to the Cone!" There's a cone for everyone and for every mood! But how can you stop at just one? Collect them all! Well, some contradict each other, but who cares? I'm getting both the pro-choice one AND the pro-life one. 
Do you work in an office? Maybe you could put them on your monitor, like this asshole. They're the hottest office accessory since the Homies Trailer Park Series! There's no greater way to force your unique personality on a world that doesn't give a shit than with a mass produced plastic cone emblazoned with your chosen canned slogan. Your collector cones, like actual construction cones, will force people to slow down and appreciate what a dipshit you are. Which brings us to my favorite cone of all: the perfectly ironic "I See Dumb People."
2006-04-11 20:58:32 UTC
Librarian-for-a-Day
I got the cakiest sub job ever today: librarian at an elementary school. I only had one class to "teach." The librarian I subbed for didn't leave any lesson plans so I actually got to create my own lesson. I hadn't realized how much I missed lesson planning. I found this great book called The Gruesome Guide to World Monsters by Judy Sierra with fantastic illustrations by Henrik Drescher. It's set up like a travel guide in which monsters are categorized by their location and briefly described. Their gruesomeness is also rated by a skull-and-crossbones system. All of the monsters depicted are from world folklore and the author's afterword encourages readers to think about the reasons why humanity has invented such horrible monsters.
The specimen pictured here is a monster called, appropriately enough, Rolling Head. He lives in the Sierra Nevada Mountains and has a gruesomeness rating of 5 (out of 5). Rolling Head used to be an ordinary man. One day he cut his finger. He licked his wound and found that he liked the taste of blood so much he ate his whole finger. Then he ate his hand and continued eating until eventually he was just a Rolling Frickin' Head. Apparently he rolls around the mountains and eats any passersby. Many of the monsters are equally as disgusting. It was awesome. I had planned on reading to the kids for a while and then letting them design their own monsters. However, they were so into the book that I just kept reading till we ran out of time. I reveled in the kids' enthusiasm for the macabre and the knowledge that their nightmares might diversify a bit after today's reading. To cover my ass (and temper my cruelty), the final monster I described to them was a good monster from Japan who eats children's bad dreams. (Awww...) But it was really fun to explain "Bloody Mary" to them complete with personal anecdotes. I had some scratches on my arm from some recent yardwork. It was hard to resist the urge to tell them they were from Bloody Mary.
2006-04-11 19:47:54 UTC
I'll Take One Unicorn in Aqua, Please
The most recent issue of The Economist featured an interesting article about a company called GeneDupe that is on the brink of bioengineering frickin' unicorns, as well as dragons, and griffins, and other such heretofore mythological creatures. The article describes how GeneDupe's scientists use a super-sophisticated computer program to mimic the evolutionary process. They start with a computer model of the existing genome that's closest to the mythic creature in question (horse for unicorn, lizard for dragon, etc.). Then they "feed" it with the "virtual molecules" that compel it to act like a fertilized egg. Because it's happening on a computer, it goes from egg to adult in less than a minute. The program inserts random mutations into the whole process and eventually, after selective virtual breeding, it predicts the mythological creature's genome. 
Creating a real, live unicorn "involves synthesising, with actual DNA, the genetic material that the computer models predict will produce the mythical creatures. The synthetic DNA is then inserted into a cell that has had its natural nucleus removed. The result, Dr Fril and his commercial backers hope, will be a real live dragon, unicorn or what have you." I totally fell for it. Of course, the article was this year's April Fool's joke from those nutty brits over at The Economist. Don't miss their joke from five years ago about the same made-up company's attempt to genetically engineer a Real Goldfish, a goldfish that has actual gold in its pigment. Apparently the scientists hadn't factored in the added weight from the incredibly heavy metal and the Real Goldfish sunk to the bottom of his tank. I look forward to their next smart, funny joke. Maybe I won't fall for it next time.
2006-04-07 16:19:32 UTC