Recruiters At Sea
God, I hope this is true! Apparently some Navy-trained dolphins based in Lake Pontchartrain are now on the loose. They were part of the top-secret Cetacean Intelligence Project and have been trained to shoot poison darts or some crazy shit at "terrorist divers." The Al-Qaeda branch of the Hoofers Club better watch out! Actually, I guess any scuba-diving tourist in the gulf might want to resist the temptation to swim with the dolphins. Those dolphins might be equipped with the will and the means to kill you. 'Cause really, how could they train the dolphins to attack terrorist divers? Did they have the trainers wear turbans over their wetsuits? Or holding a laminated copy of the Koran? That seems consistent with what we know about military intelligence. I really hope the dudes at Pixar use this story for a movie that both entertains stupid children and unveils the evils of the military industrial complex.2005-09-30 09:39:04 UTC
The Reconstruction Instant Lotto
I know Brownie's taking the blame for the whole katrina mess (which I thought Bush admitted to being responsible for), but no one can blame the reconstruction plans on him. That's all Bush. The initial stupid idea to create vast trailer cities is only upstaged in its idiocy by the decision to actually implement this "plan." It's clearly not working. Even Newt Gingrich sees them as rapidly becoming "ghettos of despair." In an article in The Nation entitled "Purging the Poor," Naomi Klein estimates that about 70,000 people could be housed in the drier, whiter districts of New Orleans based on vacancies that existed before the flood. Why were there so many vacancies? New Orleans is not a city of mixed-income housing (see the map in all its segregated glory). Like in most major cities, landlords in the pricier districts keep apartments vacant to keep the prices high. Giving New Orleans to the rich white folks and a sprawling FEMA-sponsored trailer park to the black and white poor folks can't be justified. There are thousands of empty apartments and the taxpayers are footing the bill for a fleet of double-wides?! (See economist Edgar Olsen's plan for expanding existing Section 8 programs- way cheaper than Bush's government-broadening ideas). And then there's the proposed urban homesteading act, which would make lands available to an estimated 1000 lucky lottery winners. If 200,000 were displaced by katrina, each person has a 1 in 200 chance of winning some land on which to build a home. I like those odds! What's Bush's logic? Does he just think that this is a good idea because poor people like to buy lottery tickets so much? Maybe he could turn it into a fun scratch-off game that might turn some homeless frowns upside-down. And maybe the revenue earned from lotto sales could go toward the $5 billion federal tab for the trailer parks! For a variety of reconstruction criticisms see this article at Media Matters.2005-09-29 18:55:05 UTC
Ex-SCUM Member To Wed
So I'm supposed to be planning my wedding, the wedding that as a young fiery feminist I never thought I'd have. At the time I thought a wedding was simply a garish and disturbing celebration of the submission of a woman to the patriarchy. At the same time I thought Ani Difranco was some kind of genius-philosopher queen and I wondered why people thought Valerie Solanas was insane. I couldn't really support the systematic destruction of all men or anything like that, but I could understand the sentiment. And I still think it's funny. (Some Swedes still take it seriously). I guess it wouldn't be so funny if her plans had come to fruition, but considering the patriarchy's still thriving and there's been no real attempt to eradicate (white) men (barring individual murders), you can safely laugh at the SCUM Manifesto. Her description of the lengths a man, aka "a walking dildo," will go to get laid is not to be missed (something about him being willing to wade through a "river of snot"- that image stuck). Now that I'm thinking about it again, she does make some pretty astute criticisms of our society. What was I thinking? Did I really agree to get married? After all, according to Solanas,
“The male is completely egocentric, trapped inside himself, incapable of empathizing or identifying with others, of love, friendship, affection or tenderness. He is a completely isolated unit, incapable of rapport with anyone. His responses are entirely visceral, not cerebral; his intelligence is a mere tool in the service of his drives and needs; he is incapable of mental passion, mental interaction; he can't relate to anything other than his own physical sensations. He is a half dead, unresponsive lump, incapable of giving or receiving pleasure or happiness; consequently, he is at best an utter bore, an inoffensive blob, since only those capable of absorption in others can be charming. He is trapped in a twilight zone halfway between humans and apes, he is capable of a large array of negative feelings - hate, jealousy, contempt, disgust, guilt, shame, doubt- and moreover he is *aware* of what he is and isn't.”
I don't know if that really describes Noah. Wouldn't it be awesome though if somebody like her got onto Elimidate? I'd love to see how she would respond to some no-neck's audacious challenge to compete for him with brain-dead playmate wannabes. She might end up in a girl fight but I don't think it would be the kind that men like to watch. She wouldn't engage in the hair-pulling and playful scratching that comprise a good titllating catfight. Noses would be broken, breast implants would be torn out. It'd be even better though if the guys were competing for her. Delighting in the public opportunity to prove her theory, she'd gleefully encourage them to kill each other off to get the presumed prize: the only thing men really want, vagina access. 
So a wedding is just a party to celebrate a man's secural of permanent vagina access, right? Whatever. I think the reason we keep putting off the planning is because we have to reinvent the whole process. There are so many stupid-ass cliches that we have to either satirize or avoid. Really weddings are just a consecutive series of stupid insulting cliches (i.e. "giving away" the bride or my personal favorite: the "best man" who was originally required to help kidnap an unsuspecting bride). 1) We have to make it about love, friendship, and commitment untainted by the historical roots of Christianity and patriarchy. (As Alf would say, "No problem!"). And 2) We want it to be fun and funny without the horrible cliche-related boredom and structured "fun" that infests most weddings (Oh, see how they spontaneously smeared cake on each other's faces!). The wedding industrial complex can kiss my ass. We'll be defying all of their
statistics and we won't be giving them any money. I won't need the services of a "bridal counselor." I can't believe that's even a job! This freak's advice on how not to be a "bridezilla" is chock-full of dingbat Barbie-does-therapy wisdom like: "Delight in spontaneity" and "Ask yourself, 'What kind of bride do I want to be?'" If you need a bridal counselor, kill yourself right now. It's all gonna end in divorce anyway. Isn't the "bridezilla" just a creation of the wedding industry? What came first: the bridezilla or her bridal counselor? I don't know. I shouldn't be wasting my time thinking about this stuff. I need to plan my wedding! Anybody know of a convincing drag king/ Rick Astley impersonator to perform during the ceremony? And what kind of a bride DO I want to be? I guess I'll need to do some serious soul-searching to discover my inner bride. Or I could pay someone to do it for me. Is it like an exorcism?
2005-09-29 08:19:30 UTC
He Thinks It's Earth Boy Day
What the hell is going on with Bush? It was weird enough when he "took responsibility" for the katrina-related failures of government (though it did sound an awful lot like he was admitting to causing the storm itself, which some think might be true. It also brings to mind hilarious images of Bush conjuring and controlling cyclones or perhaps operating some remote-controlled weather machine). But now he's become a conservationist? Is he trying to appeal to the same "reality-based community" that he's bullied and made fun of during his entire presidency (if you have heard this term but have not seen the context in which it was said, definitely read this article)? Since when does Bush feel the need to face reality and how far is he gonna take it? Is he gonna turn European on us? I doubt it and I doubt the conservation trend will last very long. And it's kinda hard to take at face value considering his actual conservation plan includes exempting Hummers and other gas-guzzling behemoths from efficiency standards (CAFE standards: Corporate Average Fuel Economy). Also, his Transportation Secretary showed up to the news conference to announce the Bush plan in a Lincoln Navigator, an SUV that gets about 15 miles per gallon.2005-09-27 09:11:48 UTC
We Need More Panty Stain!
You may recall that earlier I referred to the rumor that the Japanese have vending machines filled with "used" school girls' panties (see The Cutest Little Rebellion Ever). Well, apparently it's no rumor. This one is a converted cigarette machine. I wonder how the panties are "used." How does an ethical Japanese businessman (I'm assuming a man runs this business- though I'm tempted to start an online version) produce used panties? Has he hired some old woman (his mother perhaps?) to wear each pair of panties for five minutes, rub them into her crotch, and then box them up? Or is it a bigger more mechanized operation? Perhaps he has a factory that churns out used panties by the thousands. (I'm not sure what the demand is). New pairs of classic white girls' panties are sent through tubes to conveyer belts where they ride toward the little spigot that pukes out a liquid called "School Girl Panty Stain." I am aching to know what ingredients are in this liquid. Maybe it's not a liquid. Maybe it's more of a solid, goopy substance that overworked, underpaid employees spread onto each pair with their official stain-spreading spatulas? Don't lose your spatula or you'll have to buy another one from the company store! I'm sure they don't get paid very well. I can just see the wife of one of the workers complaining about the panties: "I don't understand why men even want used girls' panties." The frustrated, tired response: "Those used panties put food on the table!" Visit this site to see all the other vending machines in Japan. 2005-09-24 09:25:05 UTC